Tuesday, May 27, 2003
My God.
If I could be any more worn out and tired today, I think I would be classified as the first walking gay corpse. I really shouldn’t complain as I had one of the best weekends ever, but damn, it sapped every bit of life I had left in my body. Besides getting little to no sleep every night, I drank and drank and drank as though alcohol was a life saving elixir. Never once got a hangover, but hell if my eyes aren’t blood shot with exhaustion nonetheless.
Spent a great deal of time with Ahmad this weekend. A bit too much perhaps. I went into the weekend in love with him and I left the weekend wondering if I want to continue down the same path that we are currently heading on. I think the main problem is that he likes me way too much. He is falling hard and fast and it makes me panic with fear. In the past I have always liked a challenge, have always gone for the bad boy. Or at least the boy who was impossible to make like me - whether he was “straight” or emotionally unavailable or whatever else makes guys unattainable. With Ahmad, it’s constant sweetness and compliments. He takes amazing care of me, pays for any whim I might have, and holds me with more fervor than any hug Paul has ever bestowed upon me. He is the ideal boyfriend, yet I just know that his heart is going to get broken.
I have tried in various ways to explain to him that we need to take everything a bit slower. But honestly, at this point, if we were moving any slower, we would be cobwebbed over and smell like stale milk. Ok, does that make sense at all? Nah lets move on. Ahmad and I had our first hook up this weekend. He stayed over at my place on Saturday night and we did nothing, but kiss and hug. I woke up at 8:30am Sunday morning to him kissing my neck and then we kinda just fell into it. I did not cum, as I never do, and Ahmad finished himself. I sucked his dick for awhile and was getting incredibly exhausted at the effort I had to put forth. Fortunately, he read my mind and took the matter into his own hands. Ha.
I feel very weird about the hook up. We crossed the line and now there is no way to ever go back.
I stayed at his place last night and he made me a beautiful dinner. He even left halfway through the evening to go get more wine, since he thought that was what I wanted. He calls me handsome and beautiful and wants nothing but to be in love. He has never had that experience before and it seems as though he has set his sights on falling in love with me. I know like I sound presumptuous, but honestly, you know when someone is falling hard for you. You know it and if you aren’t ready for it, it can be a very scary thing. I have told Ahmad all about Paul. I have explained the entire situation to him and so far he is very comfortable with it. He understands and is willing to work around it. Well, then again, of course he is willing to work around it…I have yet to make him really do that. As Ahmad has said over and over to me “Let’s just take this whole thing one day at a time.” (big sigh) I don’t know.
Paul and I spent Sunday night together. I explained to him that Ahmad and I were officially dating and that Saturday night was the night of our first hook up. I could tell that this hurt him. But since I have been honest with him from the beginning, he has no reason to be angry. In fact, he told me that it’s best for me TO date Ahmad right now. Paul is “not in the place to give me what I need” and he “doesn’t want to hold me back any longer.” However, he spent the entire night being the boyfriend I have always wanted him to be. Figures. He left to go home to Boston on Monday morning and as he walked out my door, I looked at him and thought about how deeply in love with him I still am.
WHY WHY WHY?
Why am I still so in love with him? Why do I want him over Ahmad? Why do I want to give him chance after chance to make things better? Why do I make myself crazy over this? Why can’t I just sit back and let it all happen on its own?
Paul has been working over time to make our relationship better. However, I know he is doing this only because he is jealous of my thing with Ahmad. I need to keep my head focused and try to do what is best for me, whether that means continuing with Ahmad or breaking it off entirely. I have this tendency to follow my heart and not listen to my head. This situation requires a bit of both.
By the way, my shit this morning looked like black vomit. Very strange. Maybe it’s because I spent the entire night kissing a Muslim.
Interesting.
If I could be any more worn out and tired today, I think I would be classified as the first walking gay corpse. I really shouldn’t complain as I had one of the best weekends ever, but damn, it sapped every bit of life I had left in my body. Besides getting little to no sleep every night, I drank and drank and drank as though alcohol was a life saving elixir. Never once got a hangover, but hell if my eyes aren’t blood shot with exhaustion nonetheless.
Spent a great deal of time with Ahmad this weekend. A bit too much perhaps. I went into the weekend in love with him and I left the weekend wondering if I want to continue down the same path that we are currently heading on. I think the main problem is that he likes me way too much. He is falling hard and fast and it makes me panic with fear. In the past I have always liked a challenge, have always gone for the bad boy. Or at least the boy who was impossible to make like me - whether he was “straight” or emotionally unavailable or whatever else makes guys unattainable. With Ahmad, it’s constant sweetness and compliments. He takes amazing care of me, pays for any whim I might have, and holds me with more fervor than any hug Paul has ever bestowed upon me. He is the ideal boyfriend, yet I just know that his heart is going to get broken.
I have tried in various ways to explain to him that we need to take everything a bit slower. But honestly, at this point, if we were moving any slower, we would be cobwebbed over and smell like stale milk. Ok, does that make sense at all? Nah lets move on. Ahmad and I had our first hook up this weekend. He stayed over at my place on Saturday night and we did nothing, but kiss and hug. I woke up at 8:30am Sunday morning to him kissing my neck and then we kinda just fell into it. I did not cum, as I never do, and Ahmad finished himself. I sucked his dick for awhile and was getting incredibly exhausted at the effort I had to put forth. Fortunately, he read my mind and took the matter into his own hands. Ha.
I feel very weird about the hook up. We crossed the line and now there is no way to ever go back.
I stayed at his place last night and he made me a beautiful dinner. He even left halfway through the evening to go get more wine, since he thought that was what I wanted. He calls me handsome and beautiful and wants nothing but to be in love. He has never had that experience before and it seems as though he has set his sights on falling in love with me. I know like I sound presumptuous, but honestly, you know when someone is falling hard for you. You know it and if you aren’t ready for it, it can be a very scary thing. I have told Ahmad all about Paul. I have explained the entire situation to him and so far he is very comfortable with it. He understands and is willing to work around it. Well, then again, of course he is willing to work around it…I have yet to make him really do that. As Ahmad has said over and over to me “Let’s just take this whole thing one day at a time.” (big sigh) I don’t know.
Paul and I spent Sunday night together. I explained to him that Ahmad and I were officially dating and that Saturday night was the night of our first hook up. I could tell that this hurt him. But since I have been honest with him from the beginning, he has no reason to be angry. In fact, he told me that it’s best for me TO date Ahmad right now. Paul is “not in the place to give me what I need” and he “doesn’t want to hold me back any longer.” However, he spent the entire night being the boyfriend I have always wanted him to be. Figures. He left to go home to Boston on Monday morning and as he walked out my door, I looked at him and thought about how deeply in love with him I still am.
WHY WHY WHY?
Why am I still so in love with him? Why do I want him over Ahmad? Why do I want to give him chance after chance to make things better? Why do I make myself crazy over this? Why can’t I just sit back and let it all happen on its own?
Paul has been working over time to make our relationship better. However, I know he is doing this only because he is jealous of my thing with Ahmad. I need to keep my head focused and try to do what is best for me, whether that means continuing with Ahmad or breaking it off entirely. I have this tendency to follow my heart and not listen to my head. This situation requires a bit of both.
By the way, my shit this morning looked like black vomit. Very strange. Maybe it’s because I spent the entire night kissing a Muslim.
Interesting.
